Headlines I Expect To See In 2009

Grass-Roots Political Campaign Derails At Local Bar
Alcoholic Husband Breaks Wife’s Heart, Jaw
Debate Moderator Fails To Moderate Debate
Staples Store Runs Out Of Staples
Ryan Seacrest’s Attempts At Heterosexuality Fall Flat
Man’s Obsession With Fantasy Football Angers Fantasy Girlfriend
E-Card More Revealing In What It Doesn’t Say, According To Local Grandmother
Guitar Player Regrets Playing Guitar
Irony Not Lost On Paralyzed Dog Walker
Expense Report Reveals Love For Cashews
One-Man Play Proves To Be One Person Too Many
Alabama Woman Claims To See Face Of Mary In The Vatican
“World of Warcraft” Game Ends In Masturbation
Son’s Lack Of Initiative Angers Local Toll Booth Operator
Recent Baltimore Transplant Already Tired Of Jokes About “The Wire”
Lottery Winner’s Luck Runs Out When Local Townspeople Stone Her To Death
Man Fulfills Dream Of Waking Up Naked In His 3rd-Grade Classroom
Local High School Teacher Reprimands Own Penis For Insubordination
Polish Man Tired Of Stupid Jokes That He Doesn’t Understand