Does The Christmas Tree Get A Free Pass?

In this age of political correctness and environmental concern, it's surprising that the tradition of the beloved Christmas tree has not come under more scrutiny. These days, it's not uncommon to catch grief for wasting so much as a sheet of paper, especially if it's used to print naked photos of someone else's wife. Yet nobody seems concerned about the hundreds of thousands of trees that are cut down each year to celebrate Christmas, only to be discarded a few weeks later into the neighbor's backyard.

Personally, I have nothing against the age-old tradition. In fact, this year I sprung for a Christmas tree--the first time I've had one under my roof (also the first year I've had a roof). But right or wrong, the concept of the Christmas tree strikes me as a bit strange. If you went to someone's house in the middle of August and that person had a pine tree set up in the corner of the living room, wouldn't it look out of place? On the other hand, many people have plants in their humble abodes, to nurture and love without risking the horrible rejection that has ruined every other facet of their lives. Still, this is socially acceptable, probably because the common houseplant is pretty small and keeps her mouth shut. The common tree, however, is anything but small. Let's face it: keeping a tree indoors, when you think about it, is fucking ridiculous. It's a tree. It's meant to be outside, where it lives and grows, often to great heights. You don't cut them down and put them in your house. If my girlfriend ever came home to find a tree in our bedroom, she would be confused, even if I brought it in to spice up our sex life.

Now, I know there might be a few people out there saying: "Travis, your words flow so naturally, I can't help but wonder if you're as gifted in other areas." Thank you. But there's only one of me, and for that I apologize.

A few others might be saying, "But Travis, can't you apply the same logic to other holidays? For example, if you carved a happy face into a pumpkin and put it on your front porch in April, that would seem a little out of place. Furthermore, I can go to a deli down the street and get a turkey sandwich for five bucks whenever I feel like it, so why is it so special that I get to eat turkey at Thanksgiving? Thirdly, if fireworks are dangerous enough to be illegal 364 days out of the year, why are they allowed on July 4th?"

You're a verbose prick, but I know what you mean. Dress up like a bunny on Easter and you're the toast of the town. Try that in November, transport a minor across state lines and suddenly you're a felon. Look, I don't have all the answers. I'm sure turkey was a delicacy back when the Pilgrims beat the Native Americans in a game of Rock, Paper, Syphilis. But perhaps the food should be updated. Instead of turkey, why not a slab of baby back ribs? Now there's something to be thankful for. Cranberry sauce? Mmmmmm, delicious...if you have a urinary tract infection--how about roast beef instead? And don't get me wrong, I love stuffing as much as the next person--if the next person was born without a tongue and was autistic!

(Applause)

Here's the bottom line: having a Christmas tree doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But it's a tradition, like turkey on Thanksgiving, fireworks on July 4th, and saying, "I'll pull out in time" on New Year's Eve. Traditions span generations and preserve a connection between family members who may have been born centuries apart. It may seem trivial, but then again so was your parents' decision to have you. So put a goddamn ornament on the tree.