Shoe May Be Right, I May Be Crazy (But It Just Might Be A Lunatic You Elected President)

The recent President Bush shoe-throwing incident came as a shock to many, including myself. How, over the past eight years, had I not thought of this? I viewed the incident online about 64 times, mostly because I couldn’t get enough of President Bush’s blank expression after dodging the shoe, as if this occurs on a regular basis in the Oval Office. As I viewed and reviewed the video, I must admit I found my mouth agape in admiration of Mr. Muntadar al-Zaidi, Professional Shoe Thrower. Now before you go and label me a socialist, let me explain myself. I, like many other Americans, am less than thrilled with President Bush’s performance over the past eight years. And I, like many Americans, am at a loss to find a way to effectively express my displeasure. Nonviolent protests are nonviolent, voting is overrated, and I’m too self-conscious to streak. Which brings us to the shoe throw, a communicative yet relatively harmless gesture, especially when compared to the alternatives. Much like sports allow us to play out our tribal warfare instincts and showcase our distaste for the Dallas Cowboys, the shoe throw is a great way to express one’s disapproval of--and downright hatred for--a world leader. While an
assassination is sure to net you a plethora of weirdo girlfriends, it only elicits compassion for the victim, most likely gets you prison time and suddenly everyone knows your middle name. And if you fail, you’re just an also-ran with a funny middle name. But the shoe throw--ah! It’s the perfect display of disrespect for the President, short of banging his wife. We’ll get
to that later.

Still, much as I admired Mr. Muntadar al-Zaidi’s shoe throw, I see plenty of
room for improvement.

I understand that in Iraq, throwing your shoe at someone is considered the ultimate insult, because it means you consider the target of the shoe to be lower than the dirt you stepped on with said shoe. That’s all well and good, but if you threw the actual dirt that you stepped on with said shoe, wouldn’t that be an even more pointed gesture, with the added benefit that you saved a shoe? Moreover, if you’re willing to let your hand touch the shoe that stepped on the dirt before you threw the shoe, what does that say about your hand? Is your hand, for a brief moment, considered the lowest of the low, before you throw the shoe? And even when you throw the shoe, your hand is now second-lowest of the low. That’s not thinking very highly of your hand. Christ, we weren’t even talking about your hand two minutes ago. What the hell just
happened?

I don’t have a problem with someone throwing their shoe, per se. It’s always fun to see world leaders ducking out of the way of flying shoes, wake up the next day and realize it wasn’t a dream. I just don’t think it’s been thought out enough. If it were up to me, I would loosen the Velcro on my shoe, step in dog shit and slide the shoe halfway off. Then, to distract everyone from looking at my feet, I would do that trick where it looks like I’m pulling my thumb off my
hand. With the onlookers mesmerized, I then make a kicking motion towards my target so the shoe flies off my foot in that direction. Not only does this take my hand out of the equation, but I also have the added benefit of dog shit flying in every direction. So even if the shoe misses the intended target, you can be sure that she probably got some dog shit on her.

I also don’t understand why it has to stop at the shoe throwing. A great start, to be sure, but if you’re that angry, you should have a follow-up move. Just hear me out on this one. You know that gesture that Italians make, where you throw an uppercut with your right arm while your left arm comes down on your right bicep? How about you do that, only in your right hand you have a balloon? So you make the gesture (which is an insult in itself) and then release the balloon into the air. Once again, you have distracted the crowd. Assuming the crowd will be preoccupied for two to three seconds, trying to figure out what the floating object is, this gives you just enough time to unfold your homemade catapult, load an emperor penguin onto said catapult, and launch it towards the target. Only this is no ordinary emperor penguin. No, it’s an emperor penguin with the words, “Suck It, D-Bag” painted on its back with White-Out. The symbolism in this maneuver is clear as day: “I think so lowly of you, I just catapulted an emperor penguin in your direction.” It doesn’t get much lower than that.

At the end, yell, “Viva Canada!” and run like the wind. Pull this off, and the President's wife will most likely want to bang you.